I'm Really Used To It

    "It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore."
    - Paramore (Last Hope, 2013)

    Great lyrics, right? (That's why I like them). That lyrics not just literally sums up my life, but my lovelife too. I've experience too many rejection in life that I'm not afraid of being rejected again. Even if I am rejected, just like a usual Filipino who has experience disasters, I still smile and chin up (that's why I like my countrymen). This is a continuation of I'm used To It... Somehow (If you want to read it again: https://rbcruzada.blogspot.com/2020/09/im-used-to-it-somehow.html). Today, I will retell my lovelife and why I wrote this continuation.

    I wrote this continuation because of a close friend. Let's just say he is my friend since Grade 7 so he knows me from head to toe. Last night, we've have a great conversation about my letter to her (If you want to read it again: https://rbcruzada.blogspot.com/2020/09/a-letter-to-my-girl-bestfriend.html). And he state a sentence that literally sums up my love life:

    "Man, you only say that. Even if you are a happy guy, it still hurts inside you. You show that you are not serious, but the truth is you are serious to that point."

   He is on point about that comment. That's me. That is literally (seems overused, right?) me! I commend him that.

    So now, I will retell my lovelife. 

    Since elementary, I was rejected too many times (I thinks it's more than my fingers in my hand). You know, what can you expect to an immature kid? (my former section {especially girls, and some of them are still didn't say sorry to me, but I will forgive them. It makes me stronger} overused the word "immature" to the point that I'm very used to called "immature" {and sometimes, they cross the line to to the point that I was pissed off and crying}) Like what my close friend say, I tend to be very passive to confess feelings to my former crush so they unlike me. 

    I remember these things:

     When I was grade 6, I always wait my crush to our service, until I wrote a letter to her and she replied that I always wait to her to our service and I said to my classmates that it's only coincidence and after that I never ride our service with her (and it end up me and my elementary bestfriend to cry because we are both rejected by the very same girl). Also in that same year, I have a crush that is boyish and when my friends scold her to me, she is super angry. And then, one day, when her friends and other gradeschoolers are playing to the garden (that is not permitted by the teachers), some of the grade 5 tell to the teachers that some students are playing and my crush take her anger to me and just like a kid who is afraid, I cry. And when I arrive in our room crying, my friends are really pissed off to the fact that they avenged for me and bully her (as I remember, the same elementary bestfriend that I've mention earlier wants to punch her) and just like me, she also cried. When she say sorry to me, I was very angry that I didn't accept it and I said to her "NO, NEVER!! NO, NEVER!!" and I locked myself to the C.R and I cried (and it end up I accept her sorry and as of now, we are friends {but not close}). Let's fast forward on my Grade 8 days, I became in love to our vice president (coincidentally, she is also our vice president last year) to the fact that I concealed it and I say that my crush is the girl that has the same last name as me (I don't know if we are related to each other). I am super duper loyal to her (to the fact that she is my crush from Grade 8 until the time I met my girl bestfriend) to the fact that sometimes, she ignored me. When we were in grade 10, I really do it all to make her happy, help her to finish her assignment, I'd buy her some things like water because she is sick, flowers and chocolates for valentines and her birthday (I am older by one week) and helping her in cleaning the room when she is cleaners. We are also groupmates in our research to the point that I was late to arrive in my house and when my mom chat my classmates, she said that I was with her (based on the story of my mom). But, it is still enough because I can't attend dance practices (as of my knowledge, she is studying in a catholic school in Silang, Cavite and has a boyfriend {My former adviser say that I am more handsome and intelligent than her boyfriend 😆😆😆}).

    And that's my lovelife (too long, right?). I am not afraid to tell my rejections in my crushes because I became a better person, I am now ready for firings or hate comments at work, and I became resilient (yeah Slater, I am talking to you). I wish you will love this and happy reading.

(Correct myself if you know other things)

Your Friend,

Ramueeeeeeel